I had a dream… My little girl, a little ballerina in a pink tutu and silky satin shoes, would complete the dance that I’ve started as a child…
It is not often that I wish to see in the future, but as I was coming out (with tears in my eyes) of my Ob/G’s office, I wished I had some sort of psychic abilities. Will I ever get one more chance, one last chance?
As I was going to the hospital, four years ago, to give birth to my second child, I had no idea it would probably be my very last trip of that kind.
As all the doctors that I consulted until now are shaking their heads as to warn me that the path I am contemplating is an extremely dangerous one, my grieving continues. Grieving for a girl that I did not get a chance to hold, dress up in little beautiful dresses and take to dance classes. The little chubby ballerina with beautiful curly hair is waiving good bye to me even before I got a chance to meet her.
It is difficult to look at little girls twirling around and playing together and accept that I will never have a girl to call my own. In my closet, a few boxes hide treasures that I planned to give to my little girl. The thought of what it could have been…
A few months ago, we went to a party where many little girls in beautiful festive gowns were running around, filling the room with laughter and joy. I still see the twirling, the happiness, the smiles… A mist of tears veiled my sight…
As parents and children filled the dance floor, I was looking at the colorful whirlwind of lace and velvet and, once more, envisioned the dance that never came to be…
Update: A few nights ago, as I was watching my favorite show, I saw the cutest, most adorable, little girl with big eyes and chubby cheeks. Upset by her older brothers, she did not make a fuss, she frowned, closed her eyes tightly and big tears started coming down her cheeks. It was the most endearing thing I have ever seen… I smiled and I realized that, even though I am still hoping for another chance, a feeling of serenity has come over me. If I will ever be lucky enough to have a daughter, so be it, but, for now, I choose to enjoy every minute that I spend with my boys, the world’s most generous little men when it comes to hugs, kisses and pearls of thought.
T: Mommy, when I smile at you, that is my way of showing you that I love you.
D: Mommy, you are my heart.
